Happy new month! To be honest, this year is already moving at a fast pace. I trust you have started working on your New Year goals. At the same time, have you begun identifying the people around you whom you need to keep close? What about the networks essential to achieving your goals or the friendships you need to take more seriously?
As the world embraces new technologies, one of the things that will always remain valuable—and, in a sense, expensive—is human connection. There is a theory about networking called six degrees of separation, which suggests that the person you wish to meet—perhaps even the President of the United States (let’s say Donald Trump, in this case)—is just six connections away from you. This concept is based on the idea of a “chain of friends of friends.” However, many of us lack the skills to make this theory work in our favour.
I recall attending a programme some years ago where the keynote speaker said something profound. I will paraphrase her words: “It is not normal, and it is a disservice to yourself, if you attend a meeting and have nothing to contribute.”
As someone with a melancholic temperament—who, by default, is quite shy—I understood the importance of her statement. So, I made it a personal duty to contribute in every meeting I had the privilege of attending. However, lately, I have been learning something new: it is not just important to speak in meetings; it is also crucial to say something that influences people. I have realised that connecting with people’s interests sometimes requires going beyond pure logic to persuade them effectively.
So, how well do you connect with people?
Lessons from *How to Win Friends and Influence People
This month, I finally picked up a book that had been on my reading list for years: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Certain events around me prompted me to read it, and I found the principles in the book to be profound—key for anyone who wants to be great and become a force to reckon with. This is one of those timeless books whose ideas remain relevant despite the passage of time. Let me share two major lessons I took from it:
1. Master People Skills
I sometimes feel that it’s okay to say things exactly as they are—for example, to call someone foolish when they have made a poor decision or done something incorrectly despite its simplicity. However, the truth is that this approach would offend many people. In fact, it would demonstrate poor leadership and a lack of people skills.
Instead of bluntly saying, “You are foolish,” what if I instead say, “You’ve done well in this area, but in this other area, your work is below the expected standard.”? The reality is that people generally dislike criticism. Even though I may find it easy to criticise others, I also don’t enjoy being criticised when the tables are turned. The lesson here is to be the first to criticise ourselves and, when it comes to others, to be slow to criticise and quick to encourage.
Dale Carnegie emphasises that people appreciate sincere and honest praise. They also value conversations that align with their interests. How do you relate to the people in your circle or your colleagues at work? Do you smile and greet people with enthusiasm, or do you intimidate them with your expression?
For example, I have friends whom I greet in a unique way whenever I see them. This may seem insignificant, but I assure you, people remember such gestures. Do you show respect for people’s opinions, or do you out rightly dismiss them as wrong? Can you avoid unnecessary arguments? Do you know how to get people to say “yes, yes” to your ideas quickly? Are you able to admit your mistakes without hesitation? The importance of mastering the skills to win people over cannot be overstated.
2. Be Genuinely Interested in People
Beyond having people skills, it is equally important to truly care about others. If we are not careful, we may start seeing people as mere tools to help us achieve our goals. The problem with this mindset is that you cannot build lasting relationships with people who will remain loyal to you if you are not genuinely interested in them.
Great leaders genuinely love people—they want their followers to succeed as well. If you want someone to do something for you, you will achieve better and faster results if you frame your request in terms of what interests them.
This excerpt from the book is particularly insightful:
“The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.”
I also agree with this:
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
When you are genuinely interested in people, you will listen more. You will say and do things that make them feel important—even in their absence. Being interested in others also fosters empathy, allowing you to see things from different perspectives. Some people struggle with unnecessary arguments simply because they only see things from their own point of view. Such individuals often have low emotional intelligence.
I have come to realise that success in life requires the right balance of IQ and EQ. This excerpt from the book sums it up perfectly:
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
CONCLUSION
As I conclude, let me share this: when the New Year began, I received a call from a former high school classmate with whom I only chat occasionally. I was quite surprised—and excited—to see her name on my phone screen. Hearing her voice brought back many good old memories.
She playfully accused me of never calling her, though she appreciated that I do send monthly notes. Her words made me realise that I am indeed guilty of not keeping in touch as often as I should, and I need to do better. While some people seem to make and maintain friendships effortlessly, for many of us, it requires intentionality.
If you struggle in this area as well, make it a priority this year to be more genuinely interested in the people in your circle. Be intentional about appreciating them sincerely. I particularly love this statement from the book:
“Flattery comes from the tongue; appreciation comes from the heart.”
Thank you for reading. Have a blessed new month!
I am Samuel Ayankoso, the Quester.
QUOTES
“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. … Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” — Dale Carnegie
“A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.” — Thomas Carlyle
“You can have everything in life you want if you will just help other people get what they want.” — Zig Ziglar
“The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.” — Theodore Roosevelt
